Ana banana,

I won’t be at your funeral, babe. But my heart will be there and I’m quietly just sobbing in Singapore. I’m sorry you never got to visit and I’m sorry I never went back to visit. 

All the sorrys don’t matter now though. What mattered is that the time we spent together - we had fun. We were each other’s support system - we used to write and we used to only let each other see it. 

I was always jealous that you could continue writing while all I churned out was work.

Ana, nobody is going to get my writing. Very few people I know now even know I write or that all I want to do is to tell stories and live in them and change people’s lives through stories. Sometimes, I sit in boardrooms, waiting for VPs and I’ll start conceptualizing stories in my head. But they all pop away the minute the VPs come in and I’m in work mode. Some days, I’ll be mad focused on work and a quiet little voice will ask me “What are you doing? Why?”. LOL. People are going to think I’m schizophrenic now. But you get it, right?

To be honest, I don’t even really like the stuff I write now (not that I’ve written anything this year, really). AND, you are not even here to tell me I’m being too hard on myself, that I’m too critical of my own work and that if I just let it flow, everything will come out like it usually does. 

Where you are - is absolutely where you should be, meant to be. I know that and I just hope that you are free from pain and that you are happy. 

I’ll remember all the times we used to spend driving in my old car singing, laughing, talking about boys, cruising down Sunset Blvd, eating tacos and having a ball of a time in Hermosa beach. That little house that housed 5 of us. What was it called? The Love Shack. So cheesy, so true - we were so young and free and life was full of possibilities then. 

Everything changed for both of us the following year. I’m not even sure I’ve fully gotten over that drastic bent that life threw at us. It seems so long ago, Ana; like another lifetime - when I tell people my life story it almost feels like someone else’s. 

Ana, thank you for all the writing you shared with me. I will continue to read them and Ana, I will try to write again. No, no, before you ask - it’s not for you, I’ll do it for me. I promise. 

I’ve been having nightmares the last couple of days. I wonder if it’s because I knew that you were dying and my psyche was a mess. 

Ana, I want to be happy because you are in a better place and free from pain. I will be. I just need time to grief. 

We were whimsical soul sisters. Soon, I’ll read something and it’ll remind me of you and I will try to smile (cherish the happy memories) and even if I cry it’ll be happy tears. 

I miss you so much and where ever you are or are going to, I hope you have peace in your heart and love within and by your side. 

yours always, 

M